By Rebecca Donohue
Editor’s Note: In our first installment, comedian Rebecca Donohue gave her future gayby some advice on oral hygiene. Today, she moves on to a different topic…
I suppose I couldʼve also called this piece, “Arguing with Stupid,” but, I didnʼt want to turn people off. I had an argument the other day with a ʻfriendʼ who claims there is absolutely NO reason for a child (or adult for that matter) to learn a second language because everyone speaks English.
It amazes me that this kind of close mindedness still exists in the world. But, then again, Iʼm not amazed at all. I mean, some people actually think you can still “pray the gay away”. Good lawd. And thereʼs a whole faction of people who actually have an argument in DEFENSE of bullying – itʼs the ʻtrophy generationʼ argument. The trophy generation argument states that weʼve become too ʻsoftʼ on our kids. They need to ﬁght it out, as this ﬁghting and bullying is just a byproduct of growing up and – in the end – it will give our kids a better sense of character.
You have got to be kidding.
Rarely does a black eye or unrelenting harassment do any good. All I can see in it is the harm. The chipping away of oneʼs self conﬁdence and the eroding of a childʼs faith in authority and kindness in other people. Those side effects to me are a horror show with enormous and profound consequences.
I feel almost as strongly about language. Yes, most of the world speaks English. However, most of the world drives a car too that doesnʼt mean driving cars isnʼt hurting the environment. This proliferation of English and the lack of will in Americans, British, and Australians to TRY another language is detrimental, in my opinion. It creates an ethnocentricity that is just plain short-sighted. Most of all, itʼs harmful to ourselves in many ways.
Studies now show your gayby will beneﬁt SCIENTIFICALLY in the following ways if they grow up bilingual:
*less chance of developing Alzheimers
*forces the brain to resolve inner conﬂict by strengthening cognitive muscles
*a stronger ability to monitor your environment
Non-scientiﬁc beneﬁts that Iʼve made up, but feel will be equally beneﬁcial:
*opens up the world job market for gayby
*opens up the world dating pool for gayby
*combats the Vatican…if the pope can speak a couple of languages, we should have a few gaybies that can too
*helps one feel superior to Rednecks**
**If I really want my child to learn a second language, I will teach him or her Spanish. Currently, I think itʼs the most useful. However, the comedian in me would rather teach my future gayby French because nothing would piss off a redneck more than a well cultured baby of two lesbians who speaks the unholy French. Never mind that Thomas Jefferson was a francophile and that half of Maine used to be greatly French speaking and parts of Louisiana, etc, etc. For me, itʼs the wonderful conversations I can get into with the Redneckers. I picture witty repartees like this:
Redneck: What a cute baby? What does your husband do?
Me: My husband? You mean my wife? Sheʼs a doctor.
Redneck pauses to contemplate this situation. Face of Redneck looks like he is sucking on a lemon.
Me to my gayby: N’ayez pas peur, bébé. Son cou est tellement rouge en raison de l’ignorance.
(Hopefully, this translates to: “Donʼt be afraid, baby. His neck is so read due to ignorance.” If it doesnʼt mean this in French, donʼt blame me, blame Bing Translator. I said I would teach my gayby French, I didnʼt say I could speak it. I am a true American after all.)
The French spoken out loud to my gayby sends the Redneck into a wild tizzy of conservative revulsion. His eyes go wide, his heart quickens, and he says:
Redneck: Youʼre French? Youʼre French? But, you seem so…so…American.
Me: No, we are not French. We are, in fact, American. I simply want my gayby to be as bourgeois as possible in regards to her brain.
Redneck: Boorschwa? Boorschwa? What does that mean? I told you, I donʼt speak no French. I speak the freedom language. English. Now, what the heck does Boorschwa mean?
Me: Iʼm not telling you. This is America. You need to work for it. Iʼm not going to just hand it to you. Who do you think I am, the welfare state?
Since I am now speaking his language, the Redneck asks me for a job. (They are so literal these Rednecks with their bibles and everything else…I mean, I meant look it up on Google, but he took it so literally!) So, I acquiesce and allow him to become our gardner…on our lesbian, organic farm.
The Redneck works hard. He toils and hoes our garden until it becomes a veritable Eden. I notice him near collapse out in the sun one day, so I bring him a fresh glass of lemonade. I strike up a conversation.
“Now that youʼre a member of the proletariat, sweet, Redneck, have you ﬁgured out the
meaning of bourgeois?” I ask.
“No,” he says. “But, your human resources girl showed me your health package and it ainʼt worth a sh*t. So, if this French-learning comes with health beneﬁts then Iʼm willing to sign on.”
You see, we can – indeed – all get along.
Rebecca Donohue writes the Sweet Mother blog and spends her nights slinging jokes as a comedian in L.A. You can check out her comedy at www.beckydonohue.com and keep up with her blogging ways at www.sweetmotherlover.wordpress.com.