Letters to My Gayby No. 1: Lessons in Oral Hygiene

letters to my gayby 1

by Rebecca Donohue

Hello, readers.  Allow me to introduce myself.  I am a gay blogger or a glogger, which I donʼt like to say because it sounds too much like “clogs” and although I am a lesbian, I have never been a fan. Sorry!  Iʼve been writing and joking for quite some time now over at my blog, which there will be a link to below.  Iʼve also been thinking – very strongly – about having a child with my partner of 4 years, who I call, “wifesy”.

As I was over-thinking all of this, I decided to write a series of advice anecdotes for my future child, my gayby.  Now, as all of you here know, a gayby is a baby made by gays, as opposed to a straightby – a baby made by straights.  I think a gayby needs just as much advice as a straightby.  However, he or she may need it delivered more frequently due to the bigotry and close-mindedness that he or she may face out there in the mostly straight world.  Hopefully, the biggest gift I can give my gayby is a sense of humor because it can be difficult wading through all the sh*t when youʼre not outfitted with the right pair of boots.  I like to think of this column as my boots for each and every gayby out there and their wonderful, gay parents.

Now, please, exercise some restraint, dear, Gayby-parent and save up these columns like your mom used to do with Erma Bombeckʼs because lord knows some of this is NOT age appropriate for your child. 

However, once they are old enough to handle a learnerʼs permit and to wreck your new car, they should be able to handle these.  For now, you should read it by yourself.  Hopefully, it will give you a much needed break.

Since this is my first column, I think of it as my “cutting teeth” article and, of course, that concept led me to think about good oral hygiene.

Now, word has it – out there in the parenting world – that it can be difficult to get your children to brush their teeth.

This is a travesty, especially for a gay. We are known for our cleanliness and our fastidious attention to decor and attire. (With the exception of my gay brother, who is part of the new strand of gay – like a gay frat boy, only worse. But, that is a topic for another day.)

So, a sweet gayby should be groomed to enjoy good health and a glowing smile. At least, that is how I have it written down as article 362, line 6, on my personal gay agenda. It says right here:

“All gaybies shall have good smiles, and bright, white, teeth. They will smile widely and often to display pride in themselves and their alternative families.”

(If you need a copy of this gay agenda, Iʼd be happy to make up at least an excerpt or two for you, personally. Only say the word in the comments section below. After all, the right has been talking about it for so long, itʼs time we made one up to give them a grain of truth to go with all that unedible b.s..)

So, what to do if your gayby fights you on the oral hygiene issue? Well, my parents used to make things up in order to terrify us into submission. For example, my mother used to say, “If you ever hit your parents, whatever you hit them with will stick up out of the grave when you die.” This led to many a horrifying dream where I pictured a cemetery full of adolescent arms and legs sticking up out of the topsoil like human, repentant, saplings. As a result, I never hit my mother.

If you are comfortable with this kind of “tough love” approach, hereʼs what I suggest… Lies to tell your children when they wonʼt brush their teeth:

  1. If you donʼt brush your teeth…flies will encircle your mouth like they do puppy-Rexʼs poo when he goes #2 in the yard.
  2. If you donʼt brush your teeth…when you smile, your grey teeth will eclipse the sun and cause all the Smurfs / Dora the Explorers / Powerpuff Girls to die.
  3. (for girls) If you donʼt brush your teeth…you wonʼt make it into the “10 Hottest Girls With Bad Teeth” list that I just saw on some extremely misogynistic site. Wait a second, I donʼt want any gayby of mine on any “10 Hottest Anything” list. (Although, I sort of agreed with them about Jewel.) Nope, no daughter of mine will be on some idiots most bonk-able, degrading, list. No way, Iʼll homeschool her first, if I have to.

So, future, gayby-girl, swish this gravel around in your mouth and weʼll go read some Shakespeare together. Who cares if you have bad teeth, as long as you can read. Iʼd rather you be bookish than whorish. Period.

Youʼre a gayby – my gayby – so smile wide. Weʼll beat ʻem with our minds.

Rebecca Donohue writes the Sweet Mother blog and spends her nights slinging jokes as a comedian in L.A. You can check out her comedy at www.beckydonohue.com and keep up with her blogging ways at www.sweetmotherlover.wordpress.com.

17 Comments

  1. Dear Rebecca – What a lovely inaugural post. I must say this is timely, just yesterday I was reading about the group of people who tweeted on Twitter about how they would murder and torture their children if they were gay and my heart was sick over it (http://storify.com/homophobes/100-homophobes-who-would-kill-their-gay-child).

    One day, when your gayby is a reality, they will be truly lucky.

    All the best to you and wifesy!

    GC

    Reply
  2. rebecca says:

    thank you, gillian, you are truly an angel. i know about that twitter – homophobia, mess. a beautiful piece was published about it on “raising my rainbow” – a great blog about a straight woman who believes she’s raising a gay son or at the very least a ‘gender creative’ son. her piece is spot on in addressing those complete idiots. what i hope to do here is give EVERY gayby and gayby-parent a reason to smile and realize they are truly LOVED, while laughing along the way, of course. :)

    Reply
    • Yes, I read Raising My Rainbow. It’s so well written and CJ seems like such a treasure. I have complete confidence you will achieve your goal.

      Best wishes and lots of laughs!

      GC

      Reply
  3. saradraws says:

    I have a 2 yr old straightby. Her teeth are ok, I think. But I did just see a report on the news about 3 year olds needing major dental surgery because parents are slacking on the dental hygiene front. Scared the bejeezus out of me. Maybe I’ll print some pics of dental surgery and rotting teeth and make a book. Good scare tactic…I mean teaching tool. Also, good brushing helps keep the fuzzy tongue coat at bay.

    Reply
    • rebecca says:

      ah, the world needs more caring and kind straightby-makers like yourself, sweet, sara. ugh, the dental surgery on the wee ones sounds ghastly. are gummy bears to blame or lack of discipline or are parents not using enough scare tactics? there’s a plush-toy goblin that dentists use for kids called, “wacky plaquey” (truly) – but, the doll is a rainbow colored gremlin. I’m afraid that this just won’t work for gaybies, as most of them will be far too anesthetized to the rainbow flag by the time they’re dentist-visit-age. Ohhhh, but you bring up such a good point – the fuzzy tongue – a horror show for kids and adults alike. any attempt to keep it at bay is a righteous fight indeed. :) thank you for stopping by here, sara.

      Reply
  4. crubin says:

    As someone who loves your Sweet Mother blog, it was a treat to discover your true identity and your beautiful face!

    Reply
    • rebecca says:

      i know i have truly “outed” myself here. it’s a second outing, like the second coming, but more gay. carrie, you’re truly a godsend and a gift to all those who toil and tumble and create in the blog world. thank you for stopping by here.

      Reply
  5. Robinr says:

    Love your “tough love” approach and may borrow it for my straightby grandchildren (or at least pass it on to their parents who are quick to hand out the juice boxes).

    Ditto what Crubin wrote. It’s nice to see the face behind the blog.

    Reply
    • rebecca says:

      oh, juice box love…and who is it really helping anyway, besides the Mott’s company? thank you for the lovely comment, robin. and glad you like my face! lol.

      Reply
  6. So wonderful to see your beautiful smile, Rebecca. You are indeed a Sweet Mother, and your post rocks.
    Gaybys, Straightbys – for me it doesn’t matter which as long as they are well loved. I do agree that excellent oral hygiene is less important that reading, a loving heart and an open mind. But you managed all four – there is hope in the world!

    Reply
  7. Emily says:

    Rebecca- Congrats on the first post away from the bloggity blog! Love it and hilarious as usual.

    I think one of my favorite ploys for getting a kid to brush comes from the illustrious John Candy in Uncle Buck when he tells the kiddos that he’s got a pal down at the crime lab who will run tests on their brushes to see if they were just running them under the tap. Classic!

    Reply
  8. ria says:

    Hey!

    I finally know what Sweet Mother looks like! x

    Reply
  9. Kelley says:

    With parenting skills like this, I’m pretty sure that Rebecca and Wifesy’s gayby is going to save the world.

    Rebecca, you’re hilarious! #GreatestGloggerEver!

    Reply
  10. rebecca says:

    Kelley, thank you for saying that without me paying you. #GreatestGloggerEver is now being printed on to a bumper sticker for my car.

    Reply

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