by Rebecca Donohue
Hello, readers. Allow me to introduce myself. I am a gay blogger or a glogger, which I donʼt like to say because it sounds too much like “clogs” and although I am a lesbian, I have never been a fan. Sorry! Iʼve been writing and joking for quite some time now over at my blog, which there will be a link to below. Iʼve also been thinking – very strongly – about having a child with my partner of 4 years, who I call, “wifesy”.
As I was over-thinking all of this, I decided to write a series of advice anecdotes for my future child, my gayby. Now, as all of you here know, a gayby is a baby made by gays, as opposed to a straightby – a baby made by straights. I think a gayby needs just as much advice as a straightby. However, he or she may need it delivered more frequently due to the bigotry and close-mindedness that he or she may face out there in the mostly straight world. Hopefully, the biggest gift I can give my gayby is a sense of humor because it can be difficult wading through all the sh*t when youʼre not outﬁtted with the right pair of boots. I like to think of this column as my boots for each and every gayby out there and their wonderful, gay parents.
Now, please, exercise some restraint, dear, Gayby-parent and save up these columns like your mom used to do with Erma Bombeckʼs because lord knows some of this is NOT age appropriate for your child.
However, once they are old enough to handle a learnerʼs permit and to wreck your new car, they should be able to handle these. For now, you should read it by yourself. Hopefully, it will give you a much needed break.
Since this is my ﬁrst column, I think of it as my “cutting teeth” article and, of course, that concept led me to think about good oral hygiene.
Now, word has it – out there in the parenting world – that it can be difﬁcult to get your children to brush their teeth.
This is a travesty, especially for a gay. We are known for our cleanliness and our fastidious attention to decor and attire. (With the exception of my gay brother, who is part of the new strand of gay – like a gay frat boy, only worse. But, that is a topic for another day.)
So, a sweet gayby should be groomed to enjoy good health and a glowing smile. At least, that is how I have it written down as article 362, line 6, on my personal gay agenda. It says right here:
“All gaybies shall have good smiles, and bright, white, teeth. They will smile widely and often to display pride in themselves and their alternative families.”
(If you need a copy of this gay agenda, Iʼd be happy to make up at least an excerpt or two for you, personally. Only say the word in the comments section below. After all, the right has been talking about it for so long, itʼs time we made one up to give them a grain of truth to go with all that unedible b.s..)
So, what to do if your gayby ﬁghts you on the oral hygiene issue? Well, my parents used to make things up in order to terrify us into submission. For example, my mother used to say, “If you ever hit your parents, whatever you hit them with will stick up out of the grave when you die.” This led to many a horrifying dream where I pictured a cemetery full of adolescent arms and legs sticking up out of the topsoil like human, repentant, saplings. As a result, I never hit my mother.
If you are comfortable with this kind of “tough love” approach, hereʼs what I suggest… Lies to tell your children when they wonʼt brush their teeth:
- If you donʼt brush your teeth…ﬂies will encircle your mouth like they do puppy-Rexʼs poo when he goes #2 in the yard.
- If you donʼt brush your teeth…when you smile, your grey teeth will eclipse the sun and cause all the Smurfs / Dora the Explorers / Powerpuff Girls to die.
- (for girls) If you donʼt brush your teeth…you wonʼt make it into the “10 Hottest Girls With Bad Teeth” list that I just saw on some extremely misogynistic site. Wait a second, I donʼt want any gayby of mine on any “10 Hottest Anything” list. (Although, I sort of agreed with them about Jewel.) Nope, no daughter of mine will be on some idiots most bonk-able, degrading, list. No way, Iʼll homeschool her ﬁrst, if I have to.
So, future, gayby-girl, swish this gravel around in your mouth and weʼll go read some Shakespeare together. Who cares if you have bad teeth, as long as you can read. Iʼd rather you be bookish than whorish. Period.
Youʼre a gayby – my gayby – so smile wide. Weʼll beat ʻem with our minds.
Rebecca Donohue writes the Sweet Mother blog and spends her nights slinging jokes as a comedian in L.A. You can check out her comedy at www.beckydonohue.com and keep up with her blogging ways at www.sweetmotherlover.wordpress.com.