Apparently patience is required to make babies. She is patient and I am . . . getting there. She is Linda and I am Emily. We are both IT professionals living in central Pennsylvania. We’ve been together for almost 6 years, and we’re trying to get pregnant.
It was established pretty early in our relationship that we wanted to have children when the right time came and we felt ready. Since then we’ve learned that there is never really a “right time,” and we don’t know if we will ever really be “ready,” but we’re doing it. There are 19 years between us, so the decision of which one of us would get pregnant was pretty well made. I am almost 30 and hopefully in my baby making prime; but I’ve also been diagnosed with endometriosis, and we had no idea if fertility hurdles would lie ahead.
So we started to plan. Waiting to try was very difficult for me. We both read a ton of books. I took all the medical precautions and did as much as I could to feel like I was doing something to get closer to conceiving. We weighed our options pertaining to using a known donor or a sperm bank. We decided that we felt more secure with a male couple who had been friends of ours for about five years. They wanted to maintain that “uncle” status and that was what we had in mind as an optimal situation anyway. We never ruled out using an anonymous donor, but after doing a lot of reading it seemed that our chances of conceiving would be better with fresh semen; it would be less expensive; and we would have an essentially unlimited supply.
Both of the guys were willing to donate and they had been offering to do so for years. Even so, this was still not a decision that we felt we could rush into. After we knew we wanted to use them as donors, we took our time and spent almost a full year discussing the circumstances and expectations before we actually started trying. Both donors went through medical tests over a period of six months and we drew up extensive legal agreements before our first insemination. We have a fabulous lawyer who is also a lesbian that went through this process several years ago.
It took a bit of time to come up with legal terms that fit to our situation. The plan was all laid out in black and white that the intention was that Linda would do a second parent adoption and she and I were the intended mothers of this child. The scariest part for us was that our donor would not be able to relinquish his parental rights until 24 hours after a baby had been born. We wanted to be sure as much as possible that when a child arrived, that there would be no second thoughts. The agreement that our donors signed said that if they chose not to relinquish their parental rights that they would have to pay an very high sum of child support per month. Basically, we made it so they would never be able to afford to keep the baby. That sounds harsh, but they understood that it was a legal precaution. We kept the lines of communication with them as open as possible so that no one got offended during the legal process. Ultimately, they were very supportive and understood that we were doing what we needed to do to protect our family. All of this felt at the time that it was happening at a snail’s pace but looking back, I think it was a big part of the reason that it worked out so well. Everyone always had time to think, ask questions, process decisions and make sure we were all on the same page before moving on.
When it finally came time to try, we decided that we wanted our process to be as minimally invasive as possible and that we would try with fresh donations at home on our own and then get more complicated from there. The first month was nerve-wracking; but once we knew what to expect, it got easier each time we inseminated. I thought that finding the patience while we were waiting to try was difficult, but actually trying proved much more challenging. It’s a good thing my wife is a rock! Sadly though, our first four cycles of TTC haven’t worked for us yet.
We’re here to take you along with us on the journey of what the trying, the waiting, the wishing, the high highs and the low lows are like. This process is a roller coaster and we’re on it.
Emily and her wife blog about TTC, life, family and more at the blog, 2 Mommies 2 Love.