Notes from a Gay Mom: It’s Worth It

Phoenix and Dashel

Our fertility doctor calls me at work two weeks after our seventh cycle, and maybe a day or so after a pregnancy test.  I knew I was pregnant.  I’d known for a week that I was I’m pregnant.  I woke up in the middle of the night and literally felt that I was pregnant.  I didn’t wake up my wife, Andrea, because I didn’t want her to be disappointed if I was wrong, but I was so sure this time.

Later that same day I bought a home pregnancy test – a big no no according to our doctor – and took it.  Positive!  I knew it!  I kept the pregnancy test (urine and all), stopped by a baby store I’d been eyeing for months and picked out the cutest, tiniest duckie slippers.  I slipped the pregnancy test in the box with the slippers, told the lady at the counter that I was pregnant and ask her to kindly wrap the box.  I wanted to surprise my wife tonight with the news!

Back to the call.  I’m at work, I know I’m pregnant and my doctor calls.
Doc: “Great news – you’re definitely pregnant!”
Me: “Yay!”
Doc: “Your HSG levels are very high – very much above normal”
Me: “Yay! What does that mean?  Super baby?”
Doc: “Have you and your partner considered multiples or twins?”

>>insert record scratching<<

Me: “Um, no we asked you what the probability was and you said less than 5%”
Doc: “Well come in for an ultrasound and let’s see what we find, I’m sure everything will be fine”

Everything would in fact be fine.  Yes, I freaked out that now we were potentially having more than one baby.  Yes, I called my wife crying.  Yes, I would obsess for days/weeks/months about how we were going to afford to pay for college.  And what would my body look like after having twins?  Ugh, why did I agree to this?

Before I found out I was pregnant, Drea and I had tried for seven cycles. Those seven months were the hardest, most trying seven months of our 10 year relationship.  We walked away from the experience a stronger couple, ready for parenthood.  In a little over a year we had gotten pregnant, found out we were having twins and closed on our first home.  What was the best part of all of this?  That we did it!  Just when I thought we couldn’t possibly take anymore…anymore surprises, anymore bad news, just anymore – we pulled through.  Then on May 4th, 2010 we finally got to meet our little princess Phoenix and our sweet little boy Dashel.

We constantly get asked how we are able to manage with twins.  To be completely honest, I love playing the martyr.  I like that our friends look at us and assume that life is so much harder.  Don’t get me wrong: raising twins isn’t necessarily easy.  Dre and I always commiserate on how it would be with just one kid.  Laying in bed during mornings when one baby wakes up before the other we usually look at each and sigh – wouldn’t one baby be so easy?  Who knows…we had two and that’s our reality.

So what advice can I offer to other gay and lesbian parents-to-be out there? Plan all you want, I promise you that nothing will go 100% according to that plan. You might also find yourself questioning (like I did) the whole process.  Here is where I get to insert a cheesy cliche expression like “nothing worth having ever comes easy.”  The reality is that it’s true.  I cling to these expressions.  When I consider raising a family with my wife in an age where we still don’t have full marital rights, I remind myself “nothing good comes easy.”  When Drea had to go for a third round of finger prints at family court to try and finalize the second parent adoption, I remind myself “nothing worth having ever comes easy.”   There are too many of these examples to list.  There are also so many positives – the biggest ones are the first time you hear that baby (or babies) say Mama.  The first time you put your finger into their mouth and they bite down and you feel their first tooth!  The times when you come home and they can’t stop smiling and jump in your arms.  It’s magical and so worth everything you’ll go through trying to get there.

Hi. My name is Diana and my partner and I have twins…and these are my stories.

Diana is a co-founder of It’s Conceivable. She and her wife live in Brooklyn with their twins, Phoenix and Dashel. You can read their story here.

2 Comments

  1. Tina says:

    My partner and I have identical twin girls. I know that feeling of one being awake and thinking, “How easy would it be?” Still wouldn’t change it for the world. Twins, two of everything, double to trouble/fun, and twice the price is all we know. We don’t and never will know what it is like to have one child. I believe that it takes a very strong couple to raise twins. Hope you and your family are having as much fun as we are!

    Reply
  2. Shannan says:

    Can’t wait to read more! My wife and I just found out that we are totally unexpectedly expecting twins!

    Reply

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